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Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
Since you no longer have a calendar I`d like to notify all the Mayans that it has been one year since the end of the world.
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!