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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
i wonder if fish get thirsty .
Maybe one day a loooong time ago a kid decided to play hide and seek with his pet Bigfoot but just didn`t explain the game properly.
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
The only toys I was allowed to play with in the tub were the dirty dishes.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.