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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
According to the police, public masturbation is not considered a "street performance". Even if you have a hat on the ground on front of you.
I bought the world`s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it`s terrible.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
I`m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything... Far from it.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.