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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
Every dog is a badass until you decide to vacuum.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".