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I carved my name in a fruitcake in 1982. If anyone gets it this year, post a pic!
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
If you knew what I considered to be my "best behavior" it`s doubtful you`d advise me to be "on it".
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Sex, do it for the kids.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
I will be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti! I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day!
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
I don`t think stupid people understand how much effort goes into not punching them in the face
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before
Next on SportsCenter: Where is Tim Tebow watching the Super Bowl and how will that impact the game?