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It doesn`t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. There`s clearly room for more Alcohol
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car