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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you`re having a velociraptor.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I`m living in their attic...
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
After a night of heavy drinkin’ there’s one thing I can’t stand… and that’s up.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
Getting that beach body is easy. You just have to know where to dig.
USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!
I’m not always rude. Sometimes I’m sleeping.