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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
whoever said that there are no stupid questions was stupid
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
I`ve always wondered why they don`t have a pregnant Barbie doll? Turns out Ken comes in a different box...
If we meet offline and you look nothing like your photos, you`re buying me drinks until you do.