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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Iām offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
My girlfriend told me that Iām starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
If someone tells you `I love you` but you don`t feel the same way and don`t wanna make it awkward just say `I love YouTube` really fast
Most of life is waiting for whatever you`re at to be over.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m