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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Marriage is for quitters
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
I was planning to do something today, but I haven’t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
I just got this sudden urge to do something productive. Wait nope, false alarm.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.