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Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
Girls are a lot like oceans, beautiful and deep, but once a month, it`s shark week.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
Imagine my disappointment when I discovered a "Booby Prize" really wasn`t boobies at all...:(
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.