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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I`m five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
If one of Santa`s helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending Iām being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
I`ll be drinking tell I see Leprechauns tonight.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
There is 1 mosquito in my apartment. I have 50 bullets. Let`s dance.
So apparently RSVP-ing to a wedding invite with "Maybe next time" wasn`t the best response. Who knew?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my lovers hair. It`s a nice way to let them know my love and also that we`re out of napkins.