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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I`m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Look, all I`m saying is if you didnt want me to take my clothes off and do an interpretive dance you should have turned off Michael Jacksons "man in the mirror".
I finally found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!
Definition of insanity - Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results
Survival rule #1: Don`t go first.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally