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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If we agree, I`m probably being sarcastic ... Or I`m drunk
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
A boob job sounds like the best job in the world.
Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I`m making you up.
Today is the first day of the rest of my Vodka.
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
Some days it´s not worth chewing through the straps.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....