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My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I wish people would consult me before trying to insult me, because I could help them come up with a much better one.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
Bitch I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
"Why do you hate me"? I say as I attempt to hold my cat like a baby
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
I`ve started an elimination diet, It`s where I eliminate anyone from my life who talks about their diet.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
If each day is a gift, I wonder where I can return monday.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”