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I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
If ignorance is bliss. You must be the happiest person on this planet.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE: Oh... I have nothing to say, I just crave the spotlight.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
OH I´m sorry! I didn´t realise you were giving me a dirty look. I just thought you were ugly like that all the time!
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.