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Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
If you`re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Sad Fact- Boobie traps seldom involve boobies.
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]