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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
There is no time to check time
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
I bet guys that work at strip clubs are "hard" workers...