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The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
The first rule of Women`s fight club is don`t tell anyone what you`re mad about or why you`re fighting.
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as the Kraft Singles?
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
If you emphasize the ‘po’ in police they’re probably already after you.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.