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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Fighting is bad. Breaking up a fight between a douchebag and the bar owner is good. Thank God I`m a ninja.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
It won`t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn`t laugh at something.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me