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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I wonder what "don`t touch" is in Braille.
I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
There could be a ghost aggressively breakdancing next to you right now, and you`d have no Idea...
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Only a fool trips on what`s behind him.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Internet Dating......The Odds are good but the Goods are odd
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a beautiful day.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.