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“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of of there would make him gay, haha problem solved ....
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
If I am home alone, there`s a 99% chance I`m naked.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
That awkward moment when you buy a pack of condoms and your wife ask. what you gonna do with those?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.