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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor and a bad memory.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Hey, people who don`t drive *exactly* like I do. Get off the road!
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!