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The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.