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Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Sure, I`ll go to your open bar and watch you get married.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
The problem is not the problem, the problem is your attitude about the problem.
My pants are 75% off.
At the start of every relationship many girls treat their boys as a GOD but later the alphabets are reversed
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
“Let’s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise” – sports fans
I swear, if one more person calls me an alcoholic they are getting a high five too.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Why can`t life be as easy as I am?
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
Honk if you wanna see the finger