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Your baby was cute until I realized you’re on the same flight as me. Now your baby is stupid.
I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
The only thing I love more than cake is cakes.
I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
It’s only Wednesday and I’m 95% done with this week.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."