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Showing cleavage doesn’t fix your face.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
I think even hospital gowns cover more than my insurance does...
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
As a matter of fact, the whole world does revolve around me.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
Avoid hangovers: stay drunk ;)