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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
Please don`t make me choose between you and porn.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.