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Since I`m getting older I`ve been thinking about my health. Should I work out 2 hrs a day like Jack Lalanne who was 96? Or smoke cigars like George Burns who lived to be 100?
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
Is there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?
I fake my lol`s