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I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Orange Hi-C counts as a serving of fruit, right?
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
It`s amazing how much us guys complain about women and then fully trust them with our pen!ses in their mouth.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
People hate facing the truth. Luckily the truth doesn`t give a sh*t.
Here is a thought for all you mind readers out there…
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson