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If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
5 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
I just googled "Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don`t Fear the Reaper?" and my first response was, "Go outside and do something."
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.