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Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don`t tell me about your rough childhood.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
White girls be like: I`ll have one triple mocha dark chocolate ugg boot raspberry white iphone 5 double caramel infinity sign frappe please.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
I bet wrecking ball operators are some of the happiest people in the world.
Worried that you may have a stalker? Shut up and just be happy someone likes you.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.