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It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.
I`m well on my way to getting absolutely nothing done today.
Do gun manuals have Trouble Shooting sections?
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
i hate that the sun comes up so early