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The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
This donut scented car freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
I read somewhere that we only use 10% of our brains. I wonder what the other half is for?
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
Retirement plans compared .. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for recycl
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Can you imagine if Facebook and Twitter just decided to shut down and you see all these confused people coming out of their house squinting at the sun.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?