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My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Be careful, there is also plenty of mentally unstable fish in the sea.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Saw a bird sh*t on my car, so I ate scrambled eggs on my front step, just to show him what I`m capable of.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re stupid and make bad decisions.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don`t need to dress half naked to get a man`s attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words