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Remember, an easily stolen ADT security sign placed on your lawn is the first line of defense against crime.
Your family tree has a couple of coconuts
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents job.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.