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Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
I hope Breaking Bad ends with Jesse waking up from a dream in the middle of Mr. White`s chemistry class.
I really don`t know what the big deal is about Black Friday. I black out every Friday....
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco for one more sec
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!