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Just curious, when pirates use text, IM or twitter, do they used emoticons` like .) .P .D or .( or do they try to fool us by using the two eyed ones?
If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns ... It`s a play on words.
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
I try not to brag but I`m really quite good at Yoga. I`m not flexible or anything but I am a master of that "Empty Your Mind" part
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store