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True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man you`ve got, watch him walk through a spider web.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
doesn`t need any help being bad but u can come along for the ride if your up for it.
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?