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WORST.... APOCALYPSE..... EVER.....
There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from vacation.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
I`m starting to doubt that all of the people in this singing group are called Carol.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
I like confusing kids by telling them I`m older than the internet
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.