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Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
In space they just call it "Jam"
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!