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Someone should use screen recording software to record an entire day’s worth of working on spreadsheets and post it to YouTube so that I can play it full screen and pretend like I’m working.
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Haters gonna hate, your honor
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
Time to train for my favorite winter sport. Extreme Hibernation.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.