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Everything you paid $50,000 to learn in college is now on the Internet for free.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
If you added up all the time you waste on Facebook, think how much TV you could watch.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.