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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
I just burnt my tongue on my food. It made me realise that it’s the ones we love that hurt us the most.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat pizza.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
Home is where the pants aren’t.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.