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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I got all my Christmas shopping done. Hope everyone likes bunny ears, ornamental grass, and discounted peeps.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
Serious question: Are doctors sure erectile dysfunction isn`t just a side effect of being married & bangin the same woman for years & years?
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
When I die, I’d like someone to keep updating my Facebook status, just to freak people out… “Hey, who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?”