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I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
Remember kids- Respect your fathers! Besides, before you came out of your moms, you came out of your dad.
I can almost always tell when dinosaurs in movies aren’t real.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
At the Touch of Love..Everyone Becomes a Poet !
But..At the Touch of Breakup Everyone Becomes a Philosopher... ^_^
"It gotten SOOO cold in D.C., politicians have their hands in their OWN pockets!"
Monday: A terrible way to spend 1/7 of your life.
lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Receipts are just short-stories about how stupid you are with money.
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
Arm wrestling is DEFINITELY the manliest sport where Two dudes hold hands...