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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
My brain is giving me the silent treatment
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I ran into a dwarfs car this morning and he come up to me and said "I`m not happy!" And I said we`ll which one are you then
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.