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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.