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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
When ever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth and drink all the rum inside. It seems to help.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
A normal person is just someone you don`t know well enough yet.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.