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The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
I`m a beer enthusiast. The more beer I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.
Just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider`s web.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Unless my horoscope says, "You will dread going to work and will most likely masturbate," then it is a crock of sh*t.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
Getting told I can`t do something gives me all the motivation I need to get things done.