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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
When you`re down about your body image just type "fat people" into Google images, always makes me feel better!:)
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I got kicked out of a fancy dress party on the weekend, because I was wearing nothing but a red shirt. Not my fault nobody has heard of Winnie the Pooh!!