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Hope I never go to jail, because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2003.
Life is basically trying to meet better people than the ones you currently know.
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
Don`t worry, some people are their own punishment in life.
Everything is legal when the cops aren`t around.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
AT this stage in my life an ALL NIGHTER JUST means I didn`t have to get up and pee....
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!