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You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
What if the weather talks about us?
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
I thought there was a spider on the rug, but it was just some yarn. It’s dead yarn now, though.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!