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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
Just curious, when pirates use text, IM or twitter, do they used emoticons` like .) .P .D or .( or do they try to fool us by using the two eyed ones?
I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a bathroom mirror selfie.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: `last warning, you have a week to get the money together.`
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
The only exercise I`ve done this month is running out of money
I`ll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone