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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
If women really knew what men think, there would be restraining orders on all men.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
So can we just skip to summer now?
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.