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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The best occupation to work from home as: Bartender.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.