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I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today, we removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change...
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
My doctor told me, "DON`T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm." CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
I look so young for my rage.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.