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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
The closest I got to a 4.0 at university… was my blood alcohol level!
Every time I see a safety warning on a product I can`t help think to myself how natural selection has failed us once again...
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I worry about the future because I know my friends that are teachers.
I really can’t kick ass, but I’m super good at taking names!
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.