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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
What idiot called it "best man" instead of "lord of the rings"
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.