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It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
Those awkward moments when you catch yourself feeling frustrated with your kids for being just like you....
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Iām beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ā¦ and drink all the vodka inside ā¦ It seems to help
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who really do.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`