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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.